State Surveillance

The Census is the record. This is the commentary. Every subject gets a reading, drawn fresh from the same file the state already keeps — including the ones with nothing interesting to report. Especially those.

2.0

2.0's CS numbers are a flat line: 3.4/min over 5 games, 3% off their usual rate.
2.0's give-and-take with damage hasn't changed lately — 0.74 dealt per point taken, 9% off their season average over 5 games.
Nothing to report on 2.0. Their last 5 games (2.24 KDA) sit within 2% of their season norm. The state finds this suspiciously stable.

Braniff

Somewhere, a minion is crying: Braniff's CS/min is up 42% recently (5.6/min vs. 4.0/min season pace).
Braniff is neither improving nor slipping on damage trade lately — 0.38 over the last 5 games, 21% off the usual.
Braniff's form has not moved in either direction in 5 games (3% off season pace). Consistency noted. Excitement not.

1.0

1.0 hasn't lost in 5 straight games. Enjoy it while the regression to the mean holds off.
1.0 is farming 67% worse lately — 1.7/min over the last 5, down from 5.1/min on the season. The jungle is filing a complaint.
1.0's gold-to-damage conversion is down 28% (1.26 dmg/gold vs. 1.76 season) — the shopping cart needs an audit.

Austin

The minions know exactly what to expect from Austin lately over 5 games — 6.8/min, holding within 3% of season pace.
No real movement in how much Austin deals back for every point of damage taken lately: 1.03 over the last 5, within 5% of the season average.
Austin has posted a 5.36 KDA on the nose for their last 5 games, within 43% of their season average. Remarkably, defiantly, average.

Dong

Dong's CS/min has barely moved in 5 games (holding at 6.7/min, within 13% of season pace) — a metronome, not a farmer.
Dong's damage dealt to champions per point taken hasn't budged in 5 games — steady at 0.93, within 8% of their season pace.
Dong's average KDA has moved by less than 40% over their last 5 games (holding at 1.71) — a true beacon to mediocrity.

Lesh

Lesh hasn't lost in 3 straight games. Enjoy it while the regression to the mean holds off.
Nothing to report on Lesh's farm — 5.7/min over the last 5, within 14% of their season average.
Lesh is trading damage at exactly their usual rate over 5 games — 0.68 dealt to champions for every point taken, 5% off season pace.

Tweak

Tweak's farming has fallen off 21% over 5 games (2.9 vs. 3.7/min) — the minions live to see another day, mostly by Tweak's absence.
Tweak has been absorbing more than returning lately: 44% less damage dealt to champions per point taken than their season norm (0.40 vs. 0.71).
Tweak's KDA refuses to move — 2.33 over the last 5, 41% off season pace. Reliable. Unexciting. Both, apparently.

Risi

6 wins in a row for Risi. The state is choosing to believe this is skill.
Risi is getting 29% less damage per gold lately (1.20 dmg/gold vs. a 1.68 season rate) — the gold is being spent on something, just not winning.
Risi is farming at exactly the same clip they always do over 5 games: 4.9/min, 16% off season pace. Predictable, if nothing else.

Huey

Somebody forgot how last-hitting works: Huey's CS/min is down 40% (3.7/min, season pace 6.1).
Huey's damage dealt to champions per point taken hasn't budged in 5 games — steady at 0.90, within 2% of their season pace.
Huey is putting up the exact same numbers game after game: 2.86 KDA, 2% off their season average. The state calls this a plateau.

KittenMittens

KittenMittens is farming at exactly the same clip they always do over 5 games: 4.8/min, 9% off season pace. Predictable, if nothing else.
No real movement in how much KittenMittens deals back for every point of damage taken lately: 0.40 over the last 5, within 15% of the season average.
KittenMittens's average KDA has moved by less than 7% over their last 5 games (holding at 1.92) — a true beacon to mediocrity.

Calcog

Calcog is on a 3-game win streak. Somebody check the account for signs of tampering.
Calcog's CS/min has dropped 22% over their last 5 games (2.1/min vs. a 2.6/min season pace) — the minions have noticed the neglect.
Calcog wins 69% of ARAM but only 49% of Rift — a completely different player once the map gets smaller.

Pootsie

Pootsie's last-hitting has improved 22% over 5 games (7.5 vs. 6.2/min) — a genuine farming renaissance.
Pootsie wins 52% of games past 25 minutes but only 29% of shorter ones — a slow start is apparently a feature, not a bug.
Pootsie is trading damage at exactly their usual rate over 5 games — 0.90 dealt to champions for every point taken, 21% off season pace.

Farva

3 wins in a row for Farva. The state is choosing to believe this is skill.
For every point of damage Farva has taken over their last 5 games, they've dealt 0.77 back to champions — up 28% from their 0.60 season pace. Closing the gap between what they eat and what they return.
Farva's CS/min has barely moved in 5 games (holding at 4.8/min, within 9% of season pace) — a metronome, not a farmer.

Choop

Choop is on a 3-game losing streak. The state extends its condolences, not its sympathy.
Choop's damage-dealt-to-champions-per-damage-taken ratio is down 35% lately (0.52 vs. a 0.81 season pace) — taking the hits without the usual payback.
Choop's farm is locked in at 4.9/min, 9% off their season average over the last 5 games. No drama here.

JJ is on a 3-game win streak. Somebody check the account for signs of tampering.
JJ's CS/min is up 78% over their last 5 games (6.0/min vs. a 3.3/min season pace) — someone's been minding the minions.
For every point of damage JJ has taken over their last 5 games, they've dealt 0.56 back to champions — down 33% from their 0.84 season pace. Eating more than usual without the return fire.

Kramrod

Kramrod is on a 4-game win streak. Somebody check the account for signs of tampering.
Kramrod is farming 24% harder lately — 5.5/min over the last 5 games, up from a 4.5/min season pace. The jungle has taken notice.
Nothing new in Kramrod's damage trade over 5 games: 0.54 back for every point taken, holding within 9% of season pace.

Girth Index

The Dictator's own composite ranking — win rate, KDA, damage, vision, and CS, weighted and combined into one number. Damage, vision, and CS are judged within each subject's own role, so a support isn't ranked against an ADC's damage numbers.

#1 of 16 — Austin. CS/min (6.6) well above the roster average, and win rate (53%) well above it too.
#2 of 16 — Choop. damage/min (700) well above the roster average, and vision/min (0.8) above it too.
#3 of 16 — Huey. damage/min (831) well above the roster average, and vision/min (0.8) well above it too.
#4 of 16 — Lesh. KDA (3.94) well above the roster average, but vision/min (0.7) well below it too.
#5 of 16 — Farva. KDA (3.95) well above the roster average, but vision/min (0.6) well below it too.
#6 of 16 — Tweak. KDA (3.92) well above the roster average, but vision/min (1.1) well below it too.
#7 of 16 — Calcog. damage/min (731) well above the roster average, but CS/min (2.6) well below it too.
#8 of 16 — Risi. damage/min (631) well below the roster average, but vision/min (1.2) above it too.
#9 of 16 — Dong. vision/min (0.6) well below the roster average, but damage/min (935) well above it too.
#10 of 16 — Pootsie. CS/min (6.3) well above the roster average, and damage/min (712) well above it too.
#11 of 16 — JJ. KDA (3.53) above the roster average, but win rate (47%) below it too.
#12 of 16 — Kramrod. vision/min (0.9) well above the roster average, but KDA (2.38) well below it too.
#13 of 16 — 1.0. damage/min (663) well below the roster average, and KDA (2.78) below it too.
#14 of 16 — Braniff. damage/min (494) well below the roster average, and CS/min (4.0) well below it too.
#15 of 16 — 2.0. CS/min (3.3) well below the roster average, and KDA (2.27) well below it too.
#16 of 16 — KittenMittens. win rate (39%) far below the roster average, and KDA (2.05) far below it too.